It’s a very normal rainy Monday. Emails have been answered, voicemails checked, and all my Monday duties completed.
So I find myself scrolling through Instagram.
A very normal activity, which usually yields some pleasant feelings as I’ve curated my feed to only contain things that make me happy or inspire me. Until I come across a post by someone I recently started following.
She’s fun and quirky and I think we’d be friends in another life. But this post hit a nerve.
It was a picture of her, taken by her young son, and nothing special or out of the ordinary. The caption, though, is what really got to me:
“Writing, working on a farm, music directing, and getting perpetually photographed by The Kiddo makes for a harried but happy few weeks.”
The audacity, am I right?
No, there’s nothing wrong with what she said or what she posted. Yet, it still managed to strike a chord with me… poke at a bruise I didn’t know I had.
Jealousy. I was jealous.
She lists off all these things that she’s doing and I know she’s also maintaining a fairly successful TikTok account (which I also follow) while knitting a 9-foot-long scarf.
My knitting project has sat unloved for months.
And that’s the crux of the problem. I see someone doing the things that I want to do⏤things that I myself am perfectly capable of doing⏤and instead of using this nudge as a reminder and inspiration to go do the things I want to be doing, I seeth with jealousy and feel bad about myself.
Self-pity is easier than just about anything.
As my moment of fiery jealousy subsided, it was replaced with frustration at myself. The question popped into my mind: Why can’t I just do the thing?
“The thing” being writing, knitting, getting into horticulture, painting, photography, or anything that I’m passionate about. I have a long list of things I’m interested in that could be the thing.
And yet, I don’t.
I’ve been sitting on edits for my novels for months⏤if a digital file could have cobwebs and mold, I’m sure it would; I used to do yoga almost every day and now I can hardly manage a couple days in a row; I take pictures that never end up being shared anywhere; after one farm rejected my volunteer application, I basically gave up on the idea I had of getting into horticulture; I’m trying to learn German on Duolingo.
I even have two of my friends’ books that I promised to read through and edit!
What do I do instead?
Honestly, I couldn’t tell you. Most of the time is probably spent scrolling on my phone and then suddenly the whole day has come and gone.
The more I spend my days like this, not doing the things I want to do, but mindlessly passing the time away, the more shame I feel. And with more shame, the less likely I am to return to the things I want to be doing.
Basically, it’s an endless cycle of suck.
I’m not sure why I let myself get into these cycles. Maybe absentmindedly watching days go by is easier than confronting the anxiety I have about the future and about the projects I’m passionate about.
I can’t go on!
A couple years ago I was so dedicated to mindfulness and staying present and I’ve lost that a bit. But, that doesn’t mean I can’t find it again.
Here are some things I could try in order to break this vicious cycle:
- Small Steps
I have this philosophy that half-assing something is better than not doing it at all. 5 minutes of yoga is better than none. One written sentence, even if it’s terrible, is better than none. Any progress is progress. But I can’t seem to follow my own advice, even though doing one Duolingo lesson or looking at my edits for 10 minutes would make me feel so much better. - Set a Schedule
Everything, Everywhere, All At Once is the title of a very good movie but also how my brain expects me to operate on a daily basis. Instead of focusing on one main goal (like editing a chapter or finishing a painting), I expect myself to complete multiple things. Except everything takes a lot longer than I think it will, so I only end up getting one or two things done anyway. Then I feel like a failure. Instead, I will set out certain days for certain things, ie. Mondays are for blog posts and tidying, Tuesdays are for editing, Fridays are for reading, etc. - Leave Space for Grace
Not everything is going to go perfectly every time. Things happen, life gets in the way, and a day is suddenly over without anything getting done. It seems a little counterintuitive to say that when it was the one thing I was just complaining about, but not leaving room for rest or distractions, means that the guilt and shame cycle just begins again. Holding myself to impossible standards is not going to help… despite what my brain might tell me. - Permission to Brag
As a timid, quiet, neurotic introvert, my accomplishments, no matter how small, go uncelebrated and unacknowledged. I don’t take time to appreciate what I’m doing or give myself even an ounce of credit when I finish a task. I wrote a whole-ass book once and I brush it off like it’s no big deal. It is a big deal! Other people get to talk about stuff they’ve done, other people get to be proud of themselves, so why not me? Hyping myself up would help keep me motivated to keep moving forward.
The Thing™️ is not out of reach. I just need to get out of my own way. This list is something I’ll probably need to employ over and over again when I inevitably forget and go back into the shame spiral, but for now I am moving forward.
Go me!
Jenna Goldsmith 